9 Things the Internet Loves that I'm Not So Sure About

I follow the lifestyle mags / blogs / Pinterest world like a drug-crazed fiend (but in a good way). Those of us who are hooked on pictures of pretty things tend to follow trends, which is inevitable. But sometimes I just can't seem to get on the bandwagon. Here are 9 things the Internet-loving universe is all crazy over that I'm just not sold on...

Argan Oil


So many bloggers / beauty editors rave about this product that I threw caution to the wind & bought a full-size bottle of this schtuff for $50 at Sephora. It's touted as an anti-aging, moisturizing, conditioning, miracle-working, unicorn-spotting, Pope-selecting, Peace-in-the-Middle-East-inducing oil. But it still smells like tires. And if I use it anywhere at all and then touch my hair by the end of the day I look like Johnny Depp after a week-long sauna. But I'm sure it's great for some people.




Alexa Chung


Oh Alexa Chung- that girl who suddenly I was supposed to know & care about yet couldn't quite figure out why. Sure, she's beautiful and probably talented at something but since I still don't know, I refuse to learn. It's my own form of non-violent resistance, kind of like Gandhi. But of course, you fucking love her don't you. Everyone does.


Nail Art


Hey, we all had the Klutz Nail Art book from the 90's. I've already done my fair share of painting ladybugs and flowers on my fingers and toes with a toothpick. But come on, nobody is going to paint effing Starry Night on their fingers. These designs had to take hours and 3 assistants to complete. They're cute, but think about how desperate you'd look if you went out in public like this!



The word Smitten


I get it... it sounds like "kitten" which is cute because everyone loves kittens and cat videos. But do you ever use that word in real life (IRL)?!!!! Here's a deal: If you can use that word on a first date or while talking to your boss, then smit away my friend.




Mustaches


There's no doubt Brooklyn is to blame for this one, so I can't help but feel a sense a guilt for marrying a man who has a full beard, including mustache. We know not what we have done...



Oliva Palermo



She was in The City on MTV. Now she clogs up my Pinterest feed with her pristine features and the untarnished lustre of trust fund privilege. She sucks. I'm jealous.



Fishtail Braids


This one also falls under the "Klutz did it in 1995" category. I seriously don't know anyone who has the hair to pull off a fishtail, which leads me to believe they are mostly made of horses just like our hamburgers.




Photo Filters


Oh Instagram, look what you started. Why bother learning to take a good photo when you can take a shitty out of focus one, add a filter to mask the crappiness and pass it off as artistic license? Trust me, I look at thousands of professional photos every day for my job, so I've learned a thing or two. I like Instagram for photo sharing, I could just do without all the sepia-tones and soft focus.




This Poster:


It's the new "Keep Calm". In fact, "they" (the Internet gods, of course) wanted to make a poster that said Keep Calm and Carry on For Like Ever but, like the collision of two atomic nuclei, such a creation could threaten our very existence and alter the course of life as we know it. Rumor has it that North Korea has been trying to get its hands on these posters "For Like Ever." Of course, in America we forcefully defend one's right to bear arms, but if you find yourself in possession of one of these posters: Please! I implore you, decorate with caution.



So there you have it! What say you? Is Olivia Palermo just misunderstood? Or are Olivia and Alexa actually THE SAME PERSON?

Are mustaches really a metaphor for man's inevitable confrontation with mortality?

What else did I miss? I'd love to hear what you think!

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1 comments:

Aaltje Besuijen said...

I was just about to buy one of these posters, but since I agree with you on every subject mentioned above - be it that I have no clue who Olivia Palermo is - I now will not. Thank you!

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